Looking Back. Moving Forward.

This past week I have “re-lived” memories from a year ago.  This year, I find it interesting that last week was Holy week.  April 18-25, 2010 seemed to be a very holy week, too, as I spent that week in the hospital with a friend who was battling cancer.  There were many times when God was so clearly present in her hospital room. My heart still hurts when I think about her and the memories that we shared.  Many of the biggest memories we shared, we never really got to talk about them again here on earth. I know that someday we will be able to do that.  What a blessing those memories are today.  

A scripture that God gave to her and I in that last week was 2 Timothy 4:7-8 "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing."   I imagine what those first moments in Heaven were like.  I imagine how it must have taken her breath away to see and experience all of it. I imagine how it felt when God put his arms around her as He welcomed her home.  I imagine her joy in receiving a new healthy, pain free body.  I imagine what she looks like with her crown.  

In November 2010, I was able to share the story of Deanna and my friendship with a group of women. The beauty of the honesty, love and openness that Deanna and I shared in our friendship.  The laughter, the tears (and sometimes we cried and laughed at the same time). God used her and I in each others lives to make both of us better people.  God used a community of believers – “Jesus lovers” - to impact her life and mine to make each of us better people.   God used each one in that community of friends to draw each other closer to Him.  

When I was finished talking to these women about this story, a group of friends were praying for me and one of them said “God, you grew her (Nancy) up this year.”  And that phrase has gone around and around in my head.  It is really so true.  God opened up a deeper place within me that is a place where God and I often “go”.  A place that I didn’t know existed until this experience.  And it's not really something that I can put into words today.  But I know that God taught me things I would have never known about Him, about loving from the heart, about His grace, about serving others, about His love, about trusting Him enough to let go....had it not been for this experience with Deanna. 

I still miss Deanna today.  However, it's a different kind of "miss you" feeling.  I would never wish for her back, when I think of the pain that she was in.  Life does go on.  It has to.  We can not live our lives holding on to the past and expect to move forward.  That's the difference in the how I miss her today.  It is not in a grieving type way that I miss her.  I miss her.  I miss talking to her, I miss seeing her, I miss hearing her laugh (usually her laughter was at me about something I had done or said)  :)   I am ok.  I know that she is ok.  And I WILL see her some day and that is what I hold on to as I look forward to that day. 

The Peace God Provides

John 14:27


Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.


We moved to another house in July, still in our same town, just a different house. When we bought this house, we felt very strongly that God was leading us to this house, for the purpose of giving people who needed “shelter” and place to stay. The economy is still not the best in our area and the housing market has been in “park” for about 6 months now, so we currently own 2 houses. Our kids have long begged for a home at “the lakes” (about an hour from us) and we have always told them that ‘no, we can’t afford 2 houses”. Now we own 2 houses so they are wondering why we have said we can’t and now we do. Our answer? Just because we do, doesn’t mean we can. *smile*


Throughout the past few months I have had my doubts, times of fear, times when I questioned whether we did the right thing, times of an absence of peace in my life. Then Ju Chan arrived in the US and needed a home and without question we knew he was supposed to live with us. We did not want to receive anything financially for allowing Ju Chan to live with us, however, his father insisted and wired money to us for Ju Chan’s care. God provided. Last week a man that we attended college with us contacted us, he needs a place to rent in our town during the week, would we rent our home to him? God provided.  Two days ago I began a new job.  This one is fewer hours and more pay.  God provided.  We made the first double house payment last week and I am truly stand amazed at how God is providing for us in tangible ways. Why am I so amazed? God’s deepest desire is to love and care for his children. God’s deepest desire is to deepen my relationship with him.


After a few “quiet” weeks with only one showing, we have had 3 showings in the past two days. As I opened the house yesterday for the realtors, I realized I have complete peace right now with this situation. God knows. He knows my needs. He knows the plan. He does not promise an absence of hardship in our lives, He promises that HE will never be absent.

Still Standing

I know... it's been a while.  I’ve been in a “funk” lately. I hate funks. They are easy to slip into and hard to get out of. I was spending more time listening to the words that are untrue and less time listening to the Voice of Truth. I felt lonely and down, so what did I do? I withdrew from people. Honestly I think that is the dumbest thing to do. But more often than not it is the easiest thing to do… sometimes it just seems it takes too much energy to get in touch with people or to talk about what you’re feeling.

Eventually, I did share honestly with someone how lonely I was and how worthless I felt. She set me straight in no uncertain terms - her words were laced with a ton of love and truth. Satan knows where to shoot his arrows into each of us. He knows where we are weak. He knows what will paralyze us. He knows what will stop us, sometimes before we even “start”. He is on the look-out for those he can devour. He seeks to kill and destroy.

I found the words in 1 Peter 5 very interesting. Verse 7 begins with telling us where to put our worry. “Cast all your anxiety on Him [Jesus]”. Then Peter goes on to say something that at first appeared odd to me. “Be self-controlled and alert.” But when I thought about that, it means don’t let your mind wander and make up things that are not there. Don’t let things that are not true, become “truth” to you. Keep control of your mind and your thoughts, don’t let it wander and begin to believe things that simply are not true. Be alert. Satan realizes if he can "destroy" a Christian today that is for sure one less person he needs to worry about impacting the world for God. [We do know that we have the victory over Satan, praise the Lord, his attacks are temporary, God's kingdom is eternal!]

Ephesians 6 gives us the best advice we will ever get on how to fight off Satan’s attacks and schemes. Verse 11 “Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.” Use everything that God gives to fight off the attacks that are sure to come. It’s a choice to put on the armor that God gives. Finally, so that you can STAND. The word “stand” is used 4 times within 3 verses. Another verse uses the word ‘stand’. 1 Corinthians 10:13 – “No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.”

These are important words for our lives today. Cast. Be Self-controlled. Alert. Put on. Stand. And most importantly: stay in the “pack”, don’t be found alone and on your own. We need each other! Who needs you today? Or is it you that needs someone today?

Refiner and Purifier

I had told her it would hurt a bit but she would be ok and she could squeeze my hand if she needed to. It was painful for her. She squeezed my hand tighter and tighter. I told her, “It’s ok, I know it hurts – just keep squeezing my hand tight.” My daughter and I were at the doctor to have a wart burned off of her finger. The doctor had explained what would be happening. He would apply the Q tip with liquid nitrogen to the wart and hold it there for a short time. He would do this several times. He explained that if he did not apply it long enough, it would not do what it was supposed to do. If he did it too long, it would not be good for her finger.

This visit to the doctor got me thinking about a few things. As I reflect on this doctor’s visit, I am reminded of a verse - Malachi 3:3 - "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver". I thought of the similarities between what my daughter went through and some of the painful things we go through in life.

The doctor knew what he was doing. He understood that it would hurt, but he also understood that it needed to be done to remove this “impurity” in my daughter’s finger. The doctor stayed with us, during this time. He didn’t hand my daughter the Q tip and leave the room. He was right there; he sat there and applied the pressure needed to remove this “impurity” in my daughter’s finger.

God knows what he is doing, too. He understands that it will hurt, but he also knows what needs to be done to remove the impurities in our lives. God stays with us the whole time. He doesn’t hand us the “tools” [that he knows need to be used] and leave us alone - "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver". He sits right there and applies the pressure that is needed to remove the impurity, knowing how much we can take and when it will be too much.

I am going through a particularly painful time. It hurts. I feel the pressure. I feel the pain. I also know that God has not left me. He knows my breaking point. He understands that it hurts. I know that this time will not last forever. I know that God knows what he is doing and he knows that this pain will produce something better. I can’t always see that, but I know that he knows the “refining” process. God may have me in the hottest part of the fire, but he will not leave me and loves me too much to let it destroy me.

This reminds me of a story I read many years ago, I wish I remembered where I read it, or who wrote it, but I do not remember. I will close with it today.

Refiner and Purifier

There was a group in a Bible study on the book of Malachi. As they were studying, they came across Malachi 3:3, which says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver". This verse puzzled them and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God. One of the women offered to find out about the process of refining silver and report back to the group the next week.

That week she called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest in silver beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver.

As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one holds the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames are hottest to burn away all the impurities. The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot. Then she thought again about the verse; "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver". She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered, "Yes, I not only have to sit there holding the silver, but I have to keep my eyes on it the entire time it is in the fire. If the silver is left even a moment too long in the flames, it will be destroyed."

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How Do you know when the silver is fully refined?" He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy - when I see my image in it."

If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has His eye on you and He will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.